Almost May Letter

Dear M,

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. Easter was good. I was dreading it, but an old friend called. She came with me and imac to the Sunrise Service on the beach on Easter morning. The boys and I had dinner with the Command Master Chief and Mary and their boys. I could hear all the kids laughing in the living room. It made me so happy to hear. The Chief told stories about you that made me laugh and smile and miss you too. It’s nice for the boys to have some people around who knew you well. Murphy graduated from her puppy classes. Tomorrow Butter will go on the school Band trip to Orlando. IMac and I will go to Quest for his fasting labs, drop Murphy off for a haircut, out for breakfast, drop a package at UPS, return library books and maybe go to the beach. It’s opening day at the Beaches. There will be a sandcastle contest tomorrow and a parade on Sunday. Next week I will be the one and only hemophilia nurse at work. My sidekick Kayla will be at a conference. Hoping for NO big bleeds. IMac has his AP exams and the band spring concert next week. 

I stopped at Staples tonight and bought another planner. There’s no one here to tell me that a new planner won’t make a bit of difference in the chaos of my life. It was $12, so not much to pay for an illusion.

I’m waiting for the next seasons of House of Cards, and Bloodline. I’m distracting myself with Goliath meanwhile. I started making cards again last weekend. I worked on some that I had started when I was spending days with you in the hospital and at McGraw Hospice. 

Butter keeps looking for your clothes, although I explained to him that you had that all planned out and gave most of your clothes away. Although there are these weird rules about ashes, I’m going to my own thing anyway. The ashes are in the closet that’s what made me think of that. Clearly most people jump directly from the topic of wardrobe to remains. Butter wants to put some in an urn and have some at the cemetery in Riverton. I need to call the funeral home in Laurinburg to have a headstone made. Butter is adamant about a service in North Carolina this summer. It will be important for your family members who couldn’t make it to the memorial here. It’s hard on me. I want to be done with memorials for a little while at least. He wants to make a memory box with your sunglasses, hat, and keychain. We’ve been using your car lately because I need to take the Sonata to the dealer for 2 recalls.  The decent dealer is 45 minutes in the opposite direction so I haven’t worked out the logistics yet.  

I may have already told you, but the guy at Goodyear asked after you when I took your car for an oil change. I was sorry to have to tell him. He teared up and got goosebumps. He looked like he’d lost his best friend, when actually I have. 

I’ve been catching up with CMcC. We have a lot of laughs on the phone. I’m going to make a YouTube channel for her to keep her in good cheer during her open heart surgery recovery and then (fingers crossed) her pancreas/kidney transplant. I’ll be soliciting contributors to the channel.  Currently I just send her videos of me singing popular songs badly. Seems to be effective.

I dreamt about Dr. Beckerman, who delivered IMac. Remember him saying the epidural is God’s gift to women. This time in the dream I think he must be appearing in his new role, the Menopause Fairy. He says it’s going to be great. I hope he’s right and all these women are lying. 
Sending lots of love,

S

Half a Year, Trash Day Letter

Dear M,

I stopped counting trash days when I got to one month. You died on a Wednesday. Wednesday is trash day in our neighborhood. The first two months I counted the time by how many trash days it had been since your death. Now I count in months. Six months today. Half a year. Many days, most I don’t feel like getting up. I am waiting for someone to bring the tray with the pot of tea and croissants, to open the French doors to a balcony I don’t have, to set a table, lay out a newspaper. Until that happens I suppose I will continue to get up and go to work. I like to go on walks, be outdoors, see MK. It’s the school, grocery store, church, Target, CVS that I dread. The places where I might run into people who knew you. Some are sad, some avoidant, some sympathetic. The sympathy I detest. I am ready with a picture of Murphy on my phone. She helps me to deflect the ambush. An invisibility cloak would come in handy right now. I need rest, a lot of rest. I am not getting it so much. Tonight imac had a 3 hour driving lesson! You would be pleased. Murphy had her second puppy class. The boys grades are starting to come back up. I think they are sleeping again. My sleep comes and goes, as you well know. I started a new job. I am enjoying it, but stressed at the same time. Some days I am working with hemophilia, some days bone marrow transplant patients. It feels more meaningful than the repetition of my days in the allergy clinic. Another grief booklet arrived this week, just when I thought everyone had forgotten. Tomorrow iMac and I tour another college. Details to follow….

Love,

S

Half a Year, Trash Day Letter

Dear M,

I stopped counting trash days when I got to one month. You died on a Wednesday. Wednesday is trash day in our neighborhood. The first two months I counted the time by how many trash days it had been since your death. Now I count in months. Six months today. Half a year. Many days, most I don’t feel like getting up. I am waiting for someone to bring the tray with the pot of tea and croissants, to open the French doors to a balcony I don’t have, to set a table, lay out a newspaper. Until that happens I suppose I will continue to get up and go to work. I like to go on walks, be outdoors, see MK. It’s the school, grocery store, church, Target, CVS that I dread. The places where I might run into people who knew you. Some are sad, some avoidant, some sympathetic. The sympathy I detest. I am ready with a picture of Murphy on my phone. She helps me to deflect the ambush. An invisibility cloak would come in handy right now. I need rest, a lot of rest. I am not getting it so much. Tonight imac had a 3 hour driving lesson! You would be pleased. Murphy had her second puppy class. The boys grades are starting to come back up. I think they are sleeping again. My sleep comes and goes, as you well know. I started a new job. I am enjoying it, but stressed at the same time. Some days I am working with hemophilia, some days bone marrow transplant patients. It feels more meaningful than the repetition of my days in the allergy clinic. Another grief booklet arrived this week, just when I thought everyone had forgotten. Tomorrow iMac and I tour another college. Details to follow….

Love,

S