Letter # 5

Dear M,

Wow, wow, wow. Wish you were here to discuss this. Donald Trump has just been elected as our next president. I am flabbergasted, as my Dad was fond of saying. Onward because, since you aren’t here, I don’t really feel like discussing politics. You would be calm about the election, as you were about most things. The pressure in ON at work, not as much from the big bosses, but from one coworker. It’s always the one you don’t expect. It is usually the one who has never grieved.

While you were sick I felt as if a careful incision had been made, my chest cracked open to reach my heart, another more jagged set of cuts into my heart. My heart held the kindling. It was on fire. That fire was our family or maybe it was you. It was my job to keep it burning, but also to keep it hidden under a nice crisp white button down shirt.

Now that you are gone the heart is still open and charred, the fire is out, wind blows right through me and I feel cold. I put on a sweater over my white button down shirt so people won’t see how cold I am, won’t see the wind blowing through my center. It would scare them. I really shouldn’t fear because only those who have grieved can see and feel that wind blowing through me. It doesn’t scare them.

Our fancy dog is being born tonight! We were hoping Butter could be at the delivery, but we did use Facetime so he could be a part of it. Tomorrow after school he will go see mother and babies. imac is still wary about the prospect of a dog. He may think I have lost my mind. Friend Katherine reminded me of the time I said to her, “You need a dog, like a hole in the head.” I conceded to her this week that I was wrong, for the record.

imac is going to the state band competition this weekend. I can’t go because…work and resentful co-workers. I am working on becoming indispensable at work, re-certifying in my specialty, taking an online course in Motivational Interviewing, studying for an additional certification, and volunteering to go to the satellite office that is farthest away.

I cancelled ALL of your credit cards today. It took about 3 hours. The customer service folks were actually quite nice. I also spoke with Social Security. I have my appointment scheduled at the social security office next month. Oh, one more thing, I went to the dentist to get my permanent crown. It was a big day around here. Butter was back in the closet with your ashes again tonight. I think I had better get a proper urn. I told him we can keep them instead of burying or scattering them if he would like. He’s taken it under consideration.

 

Love,

S

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