Letters to my husband

Yesterday I received the first of four booklets on the topic of grief. It was the best I’ve read on the topic. Processing grief is hard work. It gets stuck and then makes things worse. So I thought I would try one of the suggestions here by writing letters to Melanoma Man.

Dear M,

It is Sunday morning. I dropped Butter off at Charles’ house at 4:15 this morning. Charles, David, Will M and Butter are headed to Manatee Springs for Day Three of Scuba Certification training. iMac got home at midnight last night after an all day marching band competition. They were all so happy they made it to finals. I went to watch them perform the preliminary round. MK was there of course. Seeing MK is like my bit of sunshine, reminding me that I am not in a foreign land. I do live here on earth. I feel so detached sometimes, but she grounds me. I’m not sleeping well. I wake up with headaches every night. You are not here and neither is the sound of your oxygen concentrator cycling on and off. Cha is sleeping in the bed every night, on your side. He is disregarding the fact that I am allergic to him. I did get restarted on my allergy shots though.

Yesterday I walked 4 miles with Pam and I got a pedicure. I think you would be pleased by both. Katherine called too, which was great. She just passed the two-year anniversary of Dave’s death. She understands the panicky moments, the not being able to remember people’s names, the feeling crazy. We talked about a lot of things, about the fact that we were single for so long before we married. We were both operating with so  much extra responsibility in the last years of our marriages. Then when you died I kind of forgot all that I am capable of juggling. I think I am just plain tired, tired of juggling. I want to say “you do it. I am tired. I will be doing yoga and walking on the beach. When I get back, you should have all this done: house cleaned, meals planned, groceries shopped for, summer for the kids planned, bills paid. And of yes,please teach imac to drive.” Then I will come home and take a nap.

I’m feeling a little better now. The pain in my neck and head is subsiding. I think I can go on a walk and have breakfast, or maybe grocery shop. I can’t decide. I’ll write more soon. I miss you and love you and just wish you were here even though you aggravated me so.

 

Love,

S

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